Children are not tourist attractions

I used to think it would be so great to go and visit orphanages in poor countries. Go and love on the children; help feed them, play with them, hold them. What could be wrong with that? I mean, these children are stuck in institutions, without any family, or anyone to love them. Isn't it a good thing to go and spend time with them, to show them that someone cares? Well...the problem is...it becomes "orphan tourism," or "poverty tourism." Going and dropping off new clothes and supplies, loving on the kids for a few days, and snapping lots of pictures...how does that really help these children in the long run? A child forms an attachment to a well meaning, loving visitor...who then leaves after a day or two, never to be seen again. How does that child benefit by having yet another broken attachment? Orphan tourism may make the tourist feel good about themselves, but it does nothing for the children in the orphanages. I think it just maintains the status quo. I think the focus should be on helping families be able to keep their children with them. Or finding and helping families in the community take the children into their homes if their is no family able to. Institutionalization and international adoption should be the last resorts. Yes, there are children right now in institutions who need homes. I say, focus first on finding out the reasons why the child is in an orphanage. If it is due to poverty alone, what resources can be given to families to support them in keeping their children with them?
When PAPs spend tens of thousands of dollars to adopt internationally, they are supporting the well oiled money machine that is international adoption. They are supporting the status quo. And yes, the corruption that is inevitable when a lot of money is involved. Yes, I believe that every child should have a home, and a "forever family." Of course I do. And for some children, international adoption is truly the only option left. But for many, it is not. Do the biological parents really understand what adoption, as we understand it, is? Are they influenced by promises of financial gain? And has anyone thought about the losses the child will undergo? Loss of family, country, language, culture, etc.
Hmm...I started out talking about orphan tourism, and somehow went on a tangent about IA. So funny to think that not so long ago, I thought both of those things were great, and win-wins. So much I didn't understand that I do now.

If I think about it too much, I'll go crazy...

Being a single parent is incredible. In many ways, I find it easier than I imagine having a partner would be. I don't have to manage another relationship in the house. I don't have to answer to anyone else, or try to please anyone else besides my daughter or myself.
However...it can be lonely, yes. There are certainly times when I'd like another adult to talk to or to watch stupid TV with. And when Kiddo is giving me a hard time, it would be nice to have someone else there to back me up, or take over for a little bit.
It feels like such an awesome responsibility, raising this little person all by myself. It feels like it, because it is! And if I really let myself think about it too deeply, I will freak out. Thinking about things like college, and braces make me want to just bury my head in the sand. Not to mention all the other things that strike fear in my heart...the teenage years. Bullying. Internet safety. Driver's license. The list actually goes on and on. Breath, Lisa, breath...
I am very, very blessed that as it stands now, Kiddo is healthy, happy and doing great in school. I actually feel she is a great kid in spite of my parenting. She can have no doubt that I love her to pieces. I tell her and show her that constantly. But I fully admit that I have my shortcomings as a parent. I am not always great at setting limits and sticking to them. I get super grumpy when I'm tired. I don't particularly have a lot of patience. I try not to, but I do yell sometimes. I can be lazy and let her watch too much TV. I don't keep a spotless house by any means. I haven't started a college fund for her yet. (Kinda trying to keep the damn rent paid right now, ya know)
So often I feel like she is so much better than I deserve.

This...

Randon stuff

So I have a few hours to myself on this sunny (but surprisingly cold!!) Saturday. Kiddo is hanging out with her Godmother. I just felt like writing. I have been thinking a lot about what went wrong at my job, and how to make some real changes. For myself. To feel better about myself. Because I know I am lucky to be given this second chance. I can't blow it. Actually, I want to do more than just not blow it, I want to really shine. I want to do great work and be respected. I want to kick ass. I just cannot walk around with the constant stress of being way behind in paperwork. I can not end every day with the cruddy feeling that I didn't do my job. Again. It made me feel awful about myself, all the time. As a professional, as an employee. God, I feel so hungry to feel good about my work, about my career. I have years of school, years of work experience. I am capable of so much more than I've done. It's time for me to push myself and stop being lazy. Yes, I said it. Lazy. I've been lazy. And avoiding the hard work. And two weeks ago, I stopped getting away with it.  Talk about a wake up call! Things are going to be different from now on. Because I can't live like I was. This time, when people ask, "How's work going?" I won't have to cringe and change the subject because I feel too guilty/awful to talk or even think about it. This time, when they ask, I'll say, "Oh my God, it's crazy busy. All I do is work!" It's time for me to be a workaholic. I've slacked off long enough. The party is over. Working my fingers to the bone may not be fun, but it sure beats feeling guilty and yucky about myself. So. I have been given a chance for a fresh start. I am actually sooo excited! I truly am. I love that I have this new opportunity to start new and as I said earlier...kick ass...
What I'm trying to work out now is how to make the changes I want to make in my life so that I can feel better about myself and be successful at work. I feel so motivated right now, but I feel like I need some concrete steps and actions, so that I'm not relying solely on willpower and motivation. Because those things wane over time. I need to make good choices that will support my success. For example...it's 2pm on a Tuesday, a client just cancelled at the last minute. I can 1) drive home, telling myself I'm going to do paperwork, but really just screw around on the internet, 2) go back to the office and actually do paperwork, or 3) make some important client related phone calls and/or try to see another client at the last minute to keep up my productivity.
#3 is the best choice. #2 is an ok choice. #1 is what got me fired and is a bad choice. So, really, as I write this, I'm realizing more and more that it all comes down to choices. Every choice I make at work needs to be about giving to the job, not taking from it, as I was. I was essentially stealing from my company. All the times I sat and read blogs or went on Facebook during work hours, I was robbing the organization I work for. Really, I might as well have been sneaking money from the till.
I also robbed myself of the chance to do well professionally and make a good name for myself.
Fresh start. I can't wait!

Phew

So, I had a job interview on Tuesday, and got offered the job on Friday. I accepted, and I start at the end of the month. yay!!! So I won't have to go on unemployment, double yay! I am taking a couple weeks off between jobs, which I've never done before. I've always just left a job on a Friday, and started a new job on the next Monday. But I'm really feeling like I need a little time to get my head together, and to get some things done. I want to Spring clean, both the house and the car. I really want this to be a fresh start. I want to go into this new job organized and ready. I want to feel good about myself as an employee and a professional, which I haven't for a long time. This is a chance to start fresh, and I'm taking it. I just have to get through one last week at my current job. Not too psyched for that, but it is what it is.

A rant about some adoption blogs

Ok, today I'm not going to talk about my pathetic job situation. Today I'm going to talk about adoption blogs.
 As a member of the adoption "triad", I read a lot of adoption blogs. But there is a certain type of adoption blog that really, really bugs me. It's the Christian adoption blog;,you the ones that talk about "one less orphan" and "God's plan." Yuck. Did God really plan for a child to lose his/her family, be placed in an orphanage, then taken by strangers to a foreign land? Usually the child doesn't even get to keep their original name. I'm not going to link to any specific blogs. I am not trying to hurt anyone or be mean, or be a troll. I'm just venting. I know when I bring up a blog, and there's a quote from the bible in the header (usually it's James 1:27, Christian adopters love that one) that it's not a blog I will read. I just can't stand the holier-than-thou-ness of them. And most disturbing to me is, the child is expected to do all the adapting. There is no sense of the family making any changes or moves toward being a transracial family. It is- we are a white Christian family taking in this poor Ehthiopian/Chinese/Indian fill-in-the-blank child, and he/she will conform to fit into our already formed family. And be grateful (after all, look at all the fundraising we had to do to bring her/him "home"!). I find these adopters' savior complexes and their sense of entitlement (though they all deny both) nauseating.
I sound harsh, I know. But I just can't stand the self-righteousness of some of these people. They are so convinced they are right, and that they are better than everyone else. By the way, in the bible where it says to take care of orphans and widows, that does not mean buy a poor woman's baby and take it half way across the world. Just sayin'.
Ok, rant concluded.