Roller Coaster

I am feeling exhausted  from all the ups and downs this week. I met with a lot of my clients this week, telling them I am leaving. They all asked where I was going, why I was leaving. Yeah...awkward...No, I'm not leaving for a better job...actually, I'm leaving 'cause they fired me, cuz I suck...Uggggg
But I have to tell you something amazing that happened yesterday. Something good. I have an older friend, Rosa who lives across the country from me. She is the kind of friend I consider family. Anyway, Rosa is convinced I saved her life. A few years ago, when I lived in the same city as her, she was undergoing chemo and radiation. She is also diabetic. The cancer treatment in combination with the diabetes was ravaging her. I honestly wondered if she would live through this. One Saturday, I called her. No answer. I knew, given how terrible she felt physically, that she hadn't gone out anywhere. I called a couple more times over the next hour. Still no answer. Finally, I decided to go to her house and check on her. I got to her house and saw her car was there. I called again from outside and the line was busy. I went in (luckily I had a key to her house) after no response to the doorbell. I walked back to her bedroom and she was unconscious on the floor. I called 911 and they came right away and took her to the hospital. It turns out that she had been in a diabetic coma. So ever since then, Rosa tells everyone I saved her life. Yesterday, I opened my mailbox, and there was a card from her. Rosa is a big one for sending holiday cards, so I assumed it was an Easter card. I opened it, and when I did, a check fell out on to the floor. Rosa occasionally will send me a check for $25 or even $50 at Christmas or on my birthday. I picked it up, thinking I would call her and scold her for sending me money.

Then I looked at the check.

It was not for $25. Or $50.

It was for $5000.00.

That's right. $5000.00. I couldn't breath. I practically hyperventilated, actually. When I was able to pull myself together, I picked up the phone and called her. "What??? What the-???" I sputtered. She laughed at me and said she was happy to do it. "You don't understand," I told her,"I just lost my job!" We talked for a long time, and she explained how she met with her accountant and had "moved some money around" and really wanted to do this for me. The timing of this is just...unbelievable.

My hope is that I will get a new job quickly and I can use Rosa's money to pay off some debt. I don't want to have to  use it to pay rent down the line. But it is such a relief to know the money is there for that purpose if I need it.

So yeah. Roller Coaster.

Sigh...

Just saw my soon to be ex-job listed on monster.com. Ouch.  It comes in waves, the bad feelings. It's sadness, some anger, mostly humiliation. I am happy to be leaving this job. However, that is way overshadowed by the way I am leaving. I have never been fired from a job in my life. It really hurts. What hurts the most is the knowing that I did this to myself.
In good news, the job interview I have scheduled has been moved up to early next week! And I found another good looking job yesterday that I have applied for. So things are ok. Still feel so crappy though. A big part of me wants to just crawl under a rock and die. Another part of me feels optimistic, and excited about the upcoming job interview. Good thing I'm going to go see my shrink today. It will be hard, but I am going to tell her the whole truth. I have to talk about this with someone. Can't tell my friends or family, that's for sure.

Feeling a little better

Yesterday and this morning, I was feeling down as down can be...(did I really just say that?...weird...) just stressed about the future, $$$, and above everything else, horrible about getting fired by my own doing. I still feel horrible about it, but my mood has definitely brightened since getting a call today to come in for a job interview!! Phew!! I have applied for several jobs over the past month or so, and gotten nothing back but radio silence. So it was great to get a call to today! This is a job I applied for on Friday, the same day I got fired (although I'm working until 4/12). Maybe if I get this job (fingers crossed) I can start right away and not even have to go on unemployment. The interview is in about a week. I am thinking though I would like to take a week off in between jobs, to clear my head, to do some cleaning, organizing of the house, so I can have a truly fresh start. And.never.let.anything.like.this.happen.again. Ever.

So on Friday, I got fired

Photo courtesy of Google Images

I'm in shock, sort of. I knew something not good was up when my supervisor requested to meet with me a week earlier than we were already scheduled to. A little background: Things at work have not been good for a while now. I've been unmotivated and really behind on my paperwork. So...chronic low productivity and late paperwork=me getting the axe. I am mortified. I can't understand why or how I let this happen. It's like standing on a train track, knowing full well that you shouldn't be there, and having plenty of time and opportunity to move before the train comes. You are fully capable of moving off the track in order to avoid getting run over by the train. You don't want to get run over, yet you do nothing to prevent it. You just stand there and let it happen. And then you are devastated that the train ran over you, even though you actually caused it to happen, and could totally have prevented it. That is how I am feeling. Mortified, scared, all of it. I am not at all sorry to be leaving this job. But I sure didn't want to go out this way. They are giving me 2 or 3 weeks left there, and are letting me "resign." And they won't fight unemployment. And my supervisor said she will give me a positive reference. It was a nice firing, as far as firings go, I guess. This has been a tough weekend, sitting with all this. I've tried to hold it together for Kiddo, and succeeded. I haven't told a soul about this, I'm so ashamed. I mean, who does this? Slacks off so much for so long at their job that they actually get fired? It's beyond embarrassing. Kiddo and I had dinner Sunday night at my parents' and I couldn't say a word about it. I could never tell them what happened. They would be disappointed in me, angry (at me) and stressed. So no, I feel like enough of a wreck without their input. No thanks. Right now, I am applying for jobs and starting to wrap things up at work. Getting fired, even kindly, just sucks.      

Mercy Mercy

The other day, I finally took the time to watch this video on You Tube. It's about an hour and a half long. It's about a couple adopting two children from Ethiopia. I came away from it feeling really pretty angry and upset. One of the most disturbing parts, for me, was how the children's birth parents were so mislead, and lied to, by the orphanage staff, by the adoption facilitator, and then shut out by the adoptive parents. It was clear that the two sets of parents were not on the same page, and had totally different views of and motives for the children's adoption. The birth parents wanted to give their two youngest children a better life, and they wanted financial help. The adoptive parents wanted simply to be parents. It was clear that in no way were these adoptive parents prepared to parent these two traumatized little ones, especially the daughter. At one point, the couple meets with a therapist for help with the girl's behaviors. The therapist goes on about how obviously, the birth parents must have neglected the children, how they must never have attached to them, or met their needs, and this is the reason for the little girl's negative behaviors and refusal to attach to the AP's. In fact, that therapist has no idea what the children's life in Ethiopia was like. At the beginning of the film, when the children are still with their biological parents, it is evident the love and attachment they share. Could it maybe be that the little girl is angry and traumatized because she was taken from her family, who she was very attached to?? Hmmm...I wonder...
To me, this is an adoption that never should have happened. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

If I didn't have to work...

I very often (too often) day dream about all I could do if I only didn't have to work. I know, I know...I should be grateful I even have a job in this economy. And I am. But I am not happy. The honest truth is...I hate having to work. I wish I could stay home and be a foster mom. I could take Kiddo out of her Afterschool program so we could spend more time together in the afternoons. I could maybe keep our house halfway clean. Cook better meals for dinner. Omg, how great would it be just to be able to stay home and be a full-time mom.
I don't know what to do. I increasingly hate my job. I am applying for other jobs, but never get any responses. I am so unproductive at work that I live in fear that they'll fire me, plus I feel guilty and like I suck, but I just can't motivate myself to kick it up a notch and do what I'm supposed to be doing. Ugg...it.just.sucks. I can't live like this anymore, something has to change. Once upon a time, I had a pretty decent work ethic. But ever since Kiddo came along, I've turned into this horribly lazy, disinterested, distracted employee. My heart just isn't in it. At.all.
 If anybody out there (anybody???) has found this blog and is reading this, please give me some words of wisdom. I could use them. I mean, besides "Quit your bitching, get off your lazy ass and just do your job."

Tough night...

So, tonight was one of those nights when single parenting kicked.my.ass. Everything was fine until...
I had to do kiddo's hair.
Then all Hell broke loose.
K HATES when I do her hair. HATES it. But it was time to take her braids out because she has a hair appt. coming up on Friday. Oh God. It's like being in HELL trying to do her hair. She cries, she screams, she wriggles around, she hits my hand, she runs off. No matter how gentle I am, she carries on like I am setting her on fire. So I was able to get a grand total of 2 braids taken out tonight, out of about 10. Yay me. Not. This whole hair thing with K makes me feel like the shittiest parent ever. I mean, what kind of mother can't even get their kid to let them do their hair?! It's awful. It's bad enough I take her to a hair dresser to get her braids (instead of doing it myself). I can't even take OUT her braids without major trauma to both of us. I keep hoping if I try to talk reasonably with her about it, and go slowly and gently, it will get better. But it isn't. And bribery only works in little spurts. All in all, it is a pretty sucky experience. Not exactly the "mother and daughter bonding over hair experience"  I had envisioned. In fact, this has been a...
Big.parenting. fail.
BUT...she did give me one of her sillybands. So there's that.

Broken promises

I follow the blog of a birth mom who is grieving and in a lot of pain over giving her daughter up for adoption a few years ago. It's pretty clear that she deeply regrets  her decision. Anyway, during her pregnancy, she chose a couple to adopt her baby. She became close with this couple and although nothing was put into writing, the couple promised her an open adoption. Promised her contact and regular updates. And then...once the baby was born and the couple had what they wanted, the promises they made to the birth mom didn't quite pan out. Reading this blog is absolutely heartrending. The birthmom's pain is palpable. While a little part of me is saying, wow, that was a dumbass decision to give your child away, mostly what I feel is sympathy for her, and anger toward the adoptive parents. It is clear that the aparents, especially the amom, feel very insecure and threatened by the birth mom. This I do not understand. At.all.
 When I read about situations like this, all I can think of is, I wish kiddo's adoption could be more open. I wish k's birthmom was a part of our lives. I send k's mom and dad pictures and updates a few times a year, through the foster care agency. I would love to receive pictures of them and maybe a letter, but I never have. I think about her a lot, kiddo's birthmom. I have never met her, which is one of my biggest regrets. I want so much to sit down with her and talk. I want to know who she is, what is in her heart. Does she think about kiddo? Does she like getting the updates I send? Or is getting them painful to her? I don't know her, or how she feels about the adoption, and I want to. That is why reading about adoptive parents who close an adoption after promising an open one make me so angry.  First of all, it is just cruel to the birthmom. Second, are you so insecure in your role as a parent that you can't acknowledge that your child has another mother? Is it guilt? Do you feel like you took another woman's baby, and now you can't or don't want to face her? Or is it just plain selfishness? Whatever it is, get.over.it. Do the right thing.

I want another one...

It's true. I want another baby. While I know that I am in absolutely no position to even think about having another child, my heart wants what it wants (did I just quote Woody Allen??). As kiddo gets older (by the minute, it seems), I am feeling more and more yearning for a little one again. Our little family is feeling incomplete to me. With each passing day, this feeling I have that someone is missing  grows stronger. But how could I possibly take on another child? Financially, I struggle with just one child! Those 5 years of paying for full-time day care almost killed me. I am just starting to dig out from under the credit card debt I accumulated  over that time period. What I'd really love to do is stay home and be a foster parent. I am feeling really pulled toward doing that, and increasingly unhappy at my job (which is a whole other post). But unless I win the lottery (which would truly be miraculous, since I don't even play it), it ain't gonna happen...