I follow the blog of a birth mom who is grieving and in a lot of pain over giving her daughter up for adoption a few years ago. It's pretty clear that she deeply regrets her decision. Anyway, during her pregnancy, she chose a couple to adopt her baby. She became close with this couple and although nothing was put into writing, the couple promised her an open adoption. Promised her contact and regular updates. And then...once the baby was born and the couple had what they wanted, the promises they made to the birth mom didn't quite pan out. Reading this blog is absolutely heartrending. The birthmom's pain is palpable. While a little part of me is saying, wow, that was a dumbass decision to give your child away, mostly what I feel is sympathy for her, and anger toward the adoptive parents. It is clear that the aparents, especially the amom, feel very insecure and threatened by the birth mom. This I do not understand. At.all.
When I read about situations like this, all I can think of is, I wish kiddo's adoption could be more open. I wish k's birthmom was a part of our lives. I send k's mom and dad pictures and updates a few times a year, through the foster care agency. I would love to receive pictures of them and maybe a letter, but I never have. I think about her a lot, kiddo's birthmom. I have never met her, which is one of my biggest regrets. I want so much to sit down with her and talk. I want to know who she is, what is in her heart. Does she think about kiddo? Does she like getting the updates I send? Or is getting them painful to her? I don't know her, or how she feels about the adoption, and I want to. That is why reading about adoptive parents who close an adoption after promising an open one make me so angry. First of all, it is just cruel to the birthmom. Second, are you so insecure in your role as a parent that you can't acknowledge that your child has another mother? Is it guilt? Do you feel like you took another woman's baby, and now you can't or don't want to face her? Or is it just plain selfishness? Whatever it is, get.over.it. Do the right thing.
The person the above scenario is most sad for is the adopted child. And if she ever finds out what her parents have done, there will be hell to pay. As an adoptee, it's frustrating that so many adoptive parents don't get it. I'll try to be brief by just saying an adoptee needs to know as much as is possible about where they came from to make sense out of the world and their place in it and for practical health reasons (physical and psychological). They need to know it not just for themselves, but for any children that they have.
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